Difficult times away from the Steaming Pile of...

Hello hello. Good evening ladies. And gents.

First off. I have posted some new photos. Unfortunately some of my more recent photos are still in my camera which is Bafoussam which is stupid because it should be here with me for me to upload the photos. I hope these will satisfy you for the time being until I get more. There are pics of my friends in Bafoussam, my trip to Limbe (the beach), my host fam, and some random stuff. The link to the pics is at the end of the entry, you have to READ before you look at them!


I am in the capital city, Yaounde. The internet is free. Other than that, I miss BEAUTIFUL ugly smelly dirty Bafoussam.

Let me reminisce (I had to check the spelling for 'reminisce', it is indeed spelled R E M I N I S C E, don't believe me? click here).

I am in Yaounde at the Peace Corps Headquarters. My 'official' reason for being here is "SED Steering Committee" which is the committee that designs, plans, and organizes the SED program. It's been interesting, but I don't really enjoy "committees" because I work better alone. And because I don't like to sit around and pay attention for extended periods of time. Despite this, I enjoyed these meetings. I've really enjoyed this FREE internet. I've been "chatting" with Blake (in london) on a daily basis. Fun, very fun. Blake has some EXCELLENT NEWS that you will soon hear about.

When I can't chat with Blake, I think of all my friends in Bafoussam, that I miss so dearly. I've never really written about them, so I will do that now.

Here are some of my friends from Bafoussam, click on their names to see a photo:

Name: Johnny
Tribe: Bamilike
Languages: French, native language, and funny english
Profession: Guitar player by night, street walkin beer drinker by day
Hobbies: See profession

Johnny plays the Guitar
Monday thru Wednesday he plays at the "New Sheraton bar." There is nothing "new" about this bar, and it looks nothing like "the sheraton." Thursday thru Sunday nights Johnny plays in the "Akwa" district of bafoussam. This is where it all happens. The nightlife of bafoussam revolves around Akwa. I usually see Johnny in Akwa on thursdays and/or fridays.

I like Johnny because:
He plays guitar. He plays the blues like a champion. He speaks the language of music fluently, but his english is lacking. Here are the lyrics from Johnny's version of "Hey Joe" by Jimmy Hendrix.

Hey Joe
where you goin with that gun in your hand
I said I'm goin danna shoome o kama
Shimmy sham damn
O kamma jitty
I mean ah, Hey Joe!
Where you goin with the gun in your hand
I said a pooly can fimmy slap
Curmmy manananananananna...
etc...(he doesnt say "etc...")

Or "I wanna love you" by Bob Marley

I wanna love you
And treat you down
I wanna love you
Every day and kamarey houn
We'll be together
With the room shum itty balo
etc...

Johnny sure can play that there gUItar though, I'm tellin you. When he sees me or pat, he interrupts his own song and says, "hello, my american friends." Sometimes we are his only crowd. Johnny. One man, one guitar, one microphone, and a broken amp. There is a picture of him in my latest photo collection which I will post today or tomorrow.

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Name: Killian
Tribe: I forget
Languages: French, English (Pidgin)
Profession: Bartender
Hobbies: Killian has no time for hobbies because he spends 14 hours a day, seven days a week working in a bar, making hardly a dime.

Killian chose his own name. His village name is "Yong" which he doesn't like because he claims it sounds too chinese. I like his village name and I use it, which embarasses Yong. Killian is a bartender at the place across the street from my house. I know some of you family members are thinking "Al must spend a lot of time at that bar if his friend is the bartender." yes, yes I do. I dont drink there all the time, I just like to hang out with Killian and Palmer. There is also a pinball machine which I play frequently and I am starting to master (Dad: We will play, and I will defeat you, especially after you have one of those "special" Guinness beers. Killian speaks english well, he was born and raised in Bamenda in the Anglophone region of the country. Killian's favorite lines are:
"No Allen, there is no problem" He says this frequently because I ask him if he is ok. He often looks sad and tired. I would be too if I worked as much as he did for practically nothing. The owners of the bar dont even pay him sometimes. Employers have the upper hand in Cameroon, jobs are so scarce that they dont even have to pay employees when they are supposed to. When he does get paid, Killian makes 40000 Francs CFA. That is about 80 dollars. For one month. For 98 hours per week. This salary is small even by Cameroonian standards. I feel for the guy.
Another Killian line:
"We are together" This is a very common line for all Cameroonians. The French speakers say "Nous sommes ensembles" This is purely in a brotherly, friendly sort of way. It is a testimony to the amount of brotherhood that exists here. People really support their friends and family and would do anything for them.

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Name: Michael
Tribe: Bamilike
Profession: Tire shop owner, bar owner, and he occasionally helps his mother grill vegetables.
Hobbies: Chasin the ladies. Posing for pictures. Taking care of business.
Physical Age: 5
Mental Age: 35

Michael is the youngest success story in Cameroon. This little guy works his little tail off. He runs around, tells people what to do, and he still has time to smile for the two white guys at his bar. What a man/kid.

Ok, I don't know if Michael actually owns these businesses. But you better believe he works. He works like many young Cameroonians that we see in bafoussam. Many kids here dont go to school. Instead, they work, and they work hard. They grow up very quickly. At 5 years old, Michael has many adult like manurisms and one heck of an adult like work ethic. Its very cute, and sad. The kid is cute as can be. I just feel bad he has to be forced into adulthood at such a young age. He doesnt seem to mind though. He never wines. In fact, none of the kids wine here. They never cry. They never fuss. (Grandpa, you would like these kids).

Pat and I have found a match for Michael. Her name is Denise. (We actually picked names for these kids, we dont know their real ones. Michael looks like a michael, and Denise, well, you get it). Denise works just as hard as michael. She helps her mom run a grilled fish stand. She puts the piment on the plate, delivers the plate, smiles, washes the plate, and sometimes she even cleans the fish. She is a little older than Michael, about 7, but Michael likes older women. She has her act together. The two of them would make a power couple, more powerful than Bill and Hillary, Brad and Jennifer. A lot cuter too. We are arranging a date for them. Its difficult to work around their busy schedules, but we will make it happen.

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That is all for now. I have more friends, but talking about them makes me sad because I am in yaounde now and they are all in Bafoussam. Stay tuned for descriptions of: Alain the Tennis Champ, Palmer the business owner who likes my music, Bissi Mag the musician who released a CD and who wants me to be a special guest on his next Album (A 3WB/Bissi Mag collaboration).

I played pool last night at this place in the heart of Yaounde. I am really starting to appreciate this city. It is huge. There is great food. There are many things to do and see. Its strange because my first impressions of this place back in june as I cruised through the city in a Peace Corps van after stepping of the plane and setting foot onto this strange land for the first time were:
"Holy Shizzy! This place is dirty, scary, intimidating, and chaotic. There is no way in hizzle I will ever like THIS place." Its funny, after spending significant time in Bafoussam, and the villages around it, Yaounde seems like a modern Western metropolis. It is a relief to be here, sometimes.
Anyway. Back to the pool story. I played pool last night at this place in the heart of Yaounde. I went with some American friends. Pool tables are RARE in Cameroon. I played horribly but I still went undefeated (5 victories, 0 losses). I would have lost had I played against the Cameroonian pool sharks sitting amongst the observers. I can say this: I have never had so many people watch me play pool and laugh at me. I can also say: I don't care about being laughed at anymore (cause I used to).

To all my 3WB people, and to ALL the 3WB fans in the world. You will be proud to know that I participated in a freestyle RAP session with this Cameroonian dude and Peter (a volunteer) at the pool hall. I did well, especially when I busted out the FRANGLAIS rap. Thats right I freestyled in a combination of languages and it made no sense but it RHYMED and that is what counts. Peter played "beat box" and he is good.
**To all my family and friends who dont have a clue what I am talking about**:
- 3WB is a Hip Hop Group formed by me (Abay), Blake (Blano), and Sean (Shoco). The group was formed in February of 2004.
-"Hip Hop" is a form of music some of you know as "rap" although there are differences that I will not get into now.
- The first 3WB album was a huge underground success in Boulder.
- The album's hit song Bring the Funk topped local charts for many weeks. Here is a sample of the wizadry that went into the lyrics of Bring the Funk:

Yo! I'll bring the Funk
Anytime I want
The Funk is funky
The funk is UP

This is a clean sample. Some of the other lyrics may be offensive to some poeple. Listener discretion is advised. Not suitable for small children. There are some good love ballads on the album also.

What else?
Well, let me see. Stan is here. Stan turns 80 in February and he is an incredible man (don't tell him that, he doesn't take well to flattery). I think I mentioned Stan in a previous entry. He fought in WWII and now he is a Peace Corps Volunteer in Cameroon. He is HILARIOUS. He may look 80 but he acts 24. He teaches creative writing at a University here, and he loves it. Go Stan.

I ate an all you can eat chinese buffet on sunday (grandpa). It was pretty classy, this chinese restaruant. The food was actually excellent. There was a swimming pool in the middle of the dining room. There were also quite a few FOREIGNERS eating there which made me feel uncomfortable. I can only handle so many at a time.

click here to see the new photos.

Ok, I miss you all.

LATERS

Sadly Uneventful Election Day

Good evening once again.
How are you?
I am fine. Thanks for asking.

First of all, thanks for the comments, they make me happy. Last week’s comments were excellent, I’ve responded to them if you care to see.

This blog entry should be FUN.

Last Monday was election day here. That seems like an eternity ago, let me try to remember what happened…ok. Instead of hearing from me, I will give you a (slightly) edited version of my roommate/co-volunteer/friend Pat’s report. I have pasted that report at the end of this blog entry, it is accurate and quite funny (cause it’s true). Pat had the wonderful idea to write an hourly report on election day. You have to understand, we DID NOTHING on election day, because EVERYTHING was closed. Stay tuned…

What else happened this week?
I helped people, people helped me, I got sick, I played tennis, I listened to music, I read books, I ate eggs and potatoes and fish, and I saw a movie (“Troy”-pretty good, but the most interesting aspect was the movie theater itself, which I will have to discuss another time).

Playing tennis is my favorite stress relief, even though I get destroyed EVERYTIME I play (Today, for example, I lost 6-0, 6-0, 3-0, the extra three games were played because I was disposed of before either of us broke a sweat. The #3 ranked Cameroonian, is VERY GOOD. I am getting very good too, just not THAT GOOD….yet) Normally GETTING DESTROYED at any sport would not relieve any stress because I hate to lose, but I have learned how to lose here, and I am getting better at tennis, so its ALL good. I will now list some of the Other forms of stress RELIEF employed in times of stress and other Peace Corps related EMOTIONAL conditions:

1) Running. Either for exercise or to escape from my problems. I run away from many things. Any form of exercise is nice, it helps to clear the mind. It’s also fun to see how many people you can surprise in one day. There is nothing more surprising than a white man running down the street, NOTHING like it. You should see. I actually tripped and fell once. The people didn’t laugh. They were more surprised that I was a white man running, falling down is just details.

2) Chopping vegetables. Especially onions. Sometimes I like to cry, onions help me get started. It hurts, it really does. If the onions make me cry too much, I get revenge by FRYING the little bastards with my eggs and potatoes.

3) Listening to music. Thursday was a wonderful day because I found a charger for my CD Player. I happened to be on my last pair of AA batteries, needless to say I was worried. The charger is functioning well. Music is playing as we speak (write). Track 11 of the “Black Star” CD. The song is called “Respiration,” it is my favorite on the CD.

4) Reading. I’ll say this again: Reading is an adventure, man, it is AMAZING. Even though I have hit a couple of CRAPPY books lately. I still want to struggle through them because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. I like to finish what I start. I would tell you about these books, but they are not worthy of any MENTION. ok, here is one review:

“This book is a complete waste of time, but I had nothing else to do.”
Allen Banick, reader of Crappy books since last week.


5) Internet. I love reading emails, writing emails, checking out ESPN.com, following all the wonderful sports I miss so dearly. GO RED SOX, too bad they’re down 3-0 as we speak, ouch. Speaking of emails, I contacted my best friend from WAY back in the day (When you have a lot of time to think and ponder, you begin to REMEMBER things). His name is Gabe (hey buddy!) we went to elementary school in L.A. together, and we went on many camping trips in the Mojave Desert, sadly we lost touch when I moved to France. Gabe is doing very well, which is great.

6) Writing, perhaps the best stress relief of all. I love writing this blog, I love writing in my journal.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ALWAYS stressed or in some sort of mental pain. I’m generally pretty happy no matter what’s going on. I will admit this: I spend, on average, 2 days per week NOT wanting to be here. That means that 5 times out of 7 I am satisfied with my situation. Most Peace Corps Volunteers experience these same mood swings, so don’t be alarmed. If I ever reach a point of spending more than 50% of the week wanting to be somewhere else, I’ll consider taking action. I think about this quite often. I also think back in time and I realize:
No matter where I’ve been in the world, no matter what I’ve been doing, there has ALWAYS been this “2 days per week wanting to be somewhere else” feeling. I bet most of us feel that. Most Cameroonians want to be in the States. I know many Americans that want to be in Canada, Spain, or Mars. I am learning another lesson: how to enjoy the NOW, the PRESENT PLACE, the CURRENT SITUATION, and the people IN FRONT OF ME. No place is perfect, but I have the power to make it better, by ENJOYING it (at least those aspects that are enjoyable). This is not an easy concept to grasp, but I am getting PLENTY of practice.

I realized something today at 12:25 when I was thinking about this blog. I realized I never really write about DEVELOPMENT, which happens to be my (official) reason for being here. Before I arrived in Cameroon, I didn’t really think much about it. I knew it was important. We should help the poor, disadvantaged of the world, because we humans are all roommates sharing the same house, called Earth. I never stopped to think about, HOW we should help develop, or WHAT people really need. Should the whole world be like the USA? No, if the whole world were like the USA it would be boring (what would be the point of traveling if every place/person were the same?), and I believe natural resources would be depleted pretty quickly (consumption has gone SLIGHTLY TOO FAR). There are aspects of the USA that SHOULD be universal, such as BASEBALL, freedom of speech, food for everyone, clean water, adequate health care, and OPPORTUNITY. But there are things that people don’t need (in my opinion). I won’t list those things, because there is no need for them.

I am still developing my own opinions on the matter of development, and I will try to include them in future blog entries. Here is one problem to ponder:
In Cameroon you cannot get clean water out of the faucet. It is often contaminated and it is the source of ALL SORTS of illness, especially for young children. YET, you can have a COKE (imported), and 10 different types of (imported) beer practically ANYWHERE, bars are BIG business (BARS are almost EVERY business). I am troubled by this problem. Many (if not most) people here can’t afford coke, or beer, so they drink dirty water, or they drink beer, which they can’t afford. I don’t really know who I should point my finger at, if anyone, or what should be done. I can’t POINT at GLOBALIZATION because that is a concept/trend as opposed to a PERSON. The people here choose to drink beer and coke, and most of them can boil water, which decontaminates it. Still, something isn’t right. That is why I presented this as a problem to PONDER. If you would like to comment on the issue, please do, I like COMMENTS and new ideas. It’s not an easy issue, if it were, there would be no Peace Corps. How do you feel? This is frequently a topic for discussion between volunteers who don’t spend their time spreading useless gossip about OTHER volunteers (see last blog entry).


Time for the NEWS report from Pat (which he wrote in his journal and emailed to his friends and was kind enough to let me share), this definitely beats CNN. This may be the ONLY international report ever released regarding the Presidential Elections in Cameroon. Pat is brave…

….all times were kept by the clock on my (cell!!!) phone…for those of you that are paying attention, you will see why this info is important…
Election Monday 11/10/04 (that is October 11th, we are using international conventions, not everything revolves around the u.s.)
and we’re live folks, welcome to election monday in Cameroon…. who knows what will happen?… truly anything can happen….most likely nothing will happen.
8:18am
all is relatively quiet on the western front (or eastern or southern, I don’t know which direction my balcony faces - I’m not a damn compass! let’s see, the sun is to my left, so I must be looking south. yea, let’s call it all quiet on the southern front. and for that matter, as far as I can tell, east and west seem ok too. I can’t see the northern front, I sure hope all hell isn’t breaking loose up there)….
ways to tell that today is a very different day:
1. bucket man is not working (sorry, you would have to read another journal entry to really understand the bucket man comment - there will be pictures of him soon, I hope, because you have to see this to believe it)
2. car/truck/anything you can possibly want washed wash place is not open
3. no other business in view is open
4. I have not seen one person selling things off of their head in the (at least) ten minutes I have been out here
5. foot traffic is way down
6. truck traffic is nonexistent (so this is what fresh air smells like)
7. taxi traffic is nonexistent
8:32am
time to go for a little walk to see what’s what

9:12am
return
more ways to tell that today is a very different day:
8. one can hear birds chirping, at least intermittently
9. all of the marches (markets) are closed, which is e-e-r-i-e
10. no one is yelling ‘le blanc’ or ‘nsada’ (a local, patoisish word for whitey)
11. no one is going to foumban or foumbot or anywhere else for that matter (unfortunately another reference to another part of the journal)
I saw 4 roving vendors (as opposed to literally hundreds on a normal day) and 1 bakery cart (as opposed to tens)…. The only thing open is the gas station. Actually, all of the gas stations are open. (does oil rule the world?)…. sweet home, my favorite restaurant, is also closed, so this reporter is off to make his own three-egg omelette.
10:32am
omelette was delicious - onions, celery, green pepper, garlic and, of course, the ubiquitous maggi cube (solidified, delicious msg)
- home fries were a little too fried because I have the attention span of a gnat - but there was enough oil, salt & pepper to cover up my slip
no new news, all still calm
over and out

11:49am (really????)
and we’re back
and we’re bored as sh#t

jeanah just texted me; she wants to know what an interlocuter (sic) is…like I have time for that, I am in the middle of an election here….not to mention a possible evacuation…ok, so I do have the time, truth be known… so I wrote her back with my made-up definition (which was correct)… man alive, ‘watching’ an election sans (without) tv is boring…this is almost inhumane….

jeanah texted me back in response to my question of what was transpiring au village (in the village)…I received the response at 11:44am…. i am a little more than concerned…. because I feel as if we might be going back in time….that’s all I need right now….anyway, here is the response (exactly as it appears on my teeny-tiny phone):
(journalistic integrity is very important at times such as these):

It’s like a ghost
town
outside(… )

thank you jeanah for that report from the field…next time, please don’t include any of those little symbols…frankly, I can’t stand them; they aren’t professional and I have no idea what the hell any of them mean….
I currently have 384F cfa credit left on my phone….that is really going to inhibit obtaining more reports from the field…stupid lack of planning….
ok-at least we have something to look forward to -

1:43pm (really 13:43)
the day continues to crawl at a snail’s pace
we just heard the end of a report on RFI (radio france international)…
ahhhh, the frogs….translation from allen:
- election off to a slow start (no freaking kidding)
- rdpc (main party) and sdf (main opposition party) both have strong representation at the polls
- polls close at six (really 18:00)

action is allowed to start at any time, I am waiting
ciao

2:07pm
allen parts (franglais) the maison (house/home) to play tennis
files report over text message at 2:24 pm (even though my phone says it is only 2:17; I am now ridiculously concerned about the space-time continuum)…the report says:
Live in
Bafoussam…it is
so f*&%ing eerie
out here.

thank you allen for the fine report….had to clean it up a bit because this is a family publication…
I am going for a run now… (2:20pm)
a riverderci

3:32pm
back home and showered…ran past the commissariat; many, many officers were standing outside….on the ground in front of the building were approximately 25 shields with helmets on top of them…giddy up…now we’re talking…

4:03pm
allen returns from playing tennis…he explains to me that he has just been harangued (my word, not his) by an undercover policeman for taking pictures….he simply wanted to capture the empty streets, which will most likely never be this empty again in our stay here…the policeman accused him of taking pictures of people without their permission…that is a serious offense here (no kidding)…allen was able to escape this time, undoubtedly thanks to his frenchy mcfrench perfect French….the noose seems to be tightening at our headquarters…we could be heading underground, no telling when the next report will be filed…if we are never heard from again, tell the world our story….
sayanora

4:35pm
we learn that Christopher reeve has died…
and also that 155 of 200 registered voters in bengui have voted….
activity on the street is picking up, but as of now there is no indication of a riot in the making…allen says, “it is only a matter of time. something doesn’t feel right.” on verra, young alain, on verra. we shall see

6:15pm
tension is rising…allen is pacing and surreptitiously glancing out the window to the street below…the polls are closed…

7:57pm
darkness has thus far been our friend….not a creature seems to be stirring…the frogs tell us (in french again) that we will have more (or any) information at 11pm…

10:42pm
there is calm…there will be no news at 11…surprise…fatigue has set in during this long day of nothingness…time to call it quits…


THANK YOU, Pat, for that fine report. I did have to edit some information that some people may find detrimental to our image here in Cameroon. But you got the gist of it: NOTHING HAPPENED. No evacuation, no action, no complaining, the election is over, life goes on. Nothing more can be said. And by the way, I WAS stopped by a Police officer for taking photos of the eerie, quietness of Bafoussam. I don’t blame him for stopping me and questioning me. What would you do? Picture a DESERTED African city…deserted except for a tall, goofy white guy with a tennis racket in his backpack, taking pictures of a ditch. Sounds suspicious, huh? Well I was just trying to capture the essence of Dirty Bafoussam, and nothing shows it better than a Ditch full of sewage and trash. (The pictures are coming, this week). I don’t know why the undercover officer accused me of taking pictures of “people” without their permission. There were no people in sight. Wait till you see the pictures, just wait.

That’s All for Tonight,
As always the pleasure is mine.
Bonne Nuit

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime

Good evening ladies and gents,

It is a lovely evening and I happen to be in the mood to write for a little while. Welcome back to the Armpit of Cameroon in the Armpit of Africa, a place that is beginning to grow on me, kind of like a dirty fungus, but it is growing on me nonetheless. Pat (my roommate) and I, comically refer to this place as a HEAPING STINKING DIRTY PILE OF S**T. (I put the * for all you kids and grandparents out there). As one of my friends here says all too often “It’s funny cause its true.” Please don’t ever say that to me, my friend who says it, says it way too much. But I can’t blame him because a lot of things in this country are “funny cause they’re true.”

The title of this blog entry has nothing to do with anything that has actually happened. It is the title of a book I just finished reading and it happened to be on my mind when I had to write the title of this blog entry. The book title is great, and the book is even better. Check out these reviews:

“ ’The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time’ by Mark Haddon is an excellent read. Dark, funny, sad, and uplifting, this book will keep you laughing, crying, and entertained for hours.”
-Allen Banick, Peace Corps Volunteer

“I was illiterate just a year ago, and I managed to finish all 226 pages in one day, that’s how good this book is, and easy to read too.”

-Allen Banick, Reader of books since August 5th 2003

This book is written through the eyes of an autistic teenager, one of the really intelligent ones, like Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man. It is great, and there are math problems to do in it too. Blake James Nolan if you are reading this, read that too.

Ok, enough about the book. I started reading Catch-22 this morning. It is funny as well.

It’s been a long week. I am enjoying a giant cold bottle of Guinness Foreign Extra. They call it “Foreign Extra” because it really is “Foreign” and it has all kinds of “Extra”. It is “Foreign” because they only make it and sell it in AFRICA which is foreign to the country where Guinness originally appeared back in 1759, a country we all know as IRELAND. It is “extra” because the alcoholic content of this particular brew is 7.5%, which happens to be about 2% greater than your typical NON “Foreign Extra” bottle of Guinness for little babies that you find in THE REST OF THE WORLD.

I am sitting at the oak table in my apartment, which can easily accommodate 10 people, but there are only two people sitting here right now. Myself, obviously, and my roommate Pat who is listening to music and doing crossword puzzles, oh never mind, he is writing in his journal. He’s probably writing:

I am sitting at the oak table in my apartment, which can easily accommodate 10 people, but there are only two people sitting here right now. Myself, obviously, and my roommate Allen who is listening to music and using my computer, I wish he wouldn’t use my computer so much. He’s probably writing:

I am sitting at the oak table in my apartment, which can easily accommodate 10 people, but there are only two people sitting here right now. Myself, obviously, and my roommate Pat who is listening to music and doing crossword puzzles, oh never mind, he is writing in his journal. He’s probably writing:

This is called a loop, and if it weren’t for me intervening, it would have gone on forever and ever and it would have clogged up the entire blogosphere (you like my use of “blogosphere” Mike?)

I realize that none of this nonsense has anything to do with Cameroon or Peace Corps YET, but just follow me through this, you will understand later…

So as I was saying, I am sitting here listening to Dizzy Rascal writing this blog when all of a sudden I think “Wow, I am writing in the present obvious.” The present obvious is a very interesting Cameroonian phenomenon that I am going to tell you about now.

In Cameroon, as in most every place in the world, I presume, people make small talk. In the States it is often sounds like this:

Two strangers are caught in an awkward moment together, suddenly, in an effort to make it less awkward, Bob decides to make small talk.
“Howdy,” says Bob
“Hey, how’s it going?” replies Sally
“I’m fine,” Bob pauses for a second, struggling to keep the awkwardness away, “how about this heat wave?” Nice one Bob, you really came through this time.
“I knooow. It is sooo hot. I can’t remember it ever being this hot in Colorado, and I’ve been here for like 3 years!”
“Me neeeither, wow! Okay, have a nice one”
“you too, and try to keep cool.” replies Sally as the two strangers continue on their paths that will probably never cross again.

In Cameroon, the weather rarely changes, it is either wet or dry, so that particular topic makes for some pretty boring small talk. In Cameroon the small talk is done in what has been termed the present obvious. It goes something like this: (I have underlined the present obvious)

“Good morning,” says Jean Phillipe Simo Kamga (People in Cameroon have excruciatingly long names.)
“Good morning, you are here?” asks Marie Claire Fotso Kamdem, who is standing directly in front of Jean Phillipe Simo Kamga, and who isn’t blind, and who can see that Jean Phillipe Simo Kamga really is there. (This is where we get the term present obvious. Marie is asking about a present situation that is obviously true.)
“Yes, I am here” he replies, “did you sleep well?” (Another common question, especially in the morning.)
“No, I didn’t.” Another common answer. People here ALWAYS answer small talk questions with the truth, which makes it better small talk than most small talk in the States, because in the States the answer is always “I’m fine” because if you were to respond to a complete stranger “No, I feel terrible,” the stranger would probably not want to talk to you because it is weird when a complete stranger tells you that something is wrong, but not in Cameroon, and that is one of the reasons this place is starting to grow on me.

That is the lesson on cultural differences between where I am and where most of you are.

I did a lot of traveling this week. I went around to several VILLAGES in the area to visit the small banks and to teach them how to use the COMPUTER and how to keep the mouse still when you click and how to shut down the computer properly. I really enjoy these village excursions. The people are so friendly and hospitable, and the scenery is nice. It is a great relief from this HEAPING STINKING DIRTY PILE OF S**T of a city I live in. The bank I went to in a village called BAFOU was particularly peaceful and relaxing until I heard a pig squealing in the bar/convenience store (all businesses in villages are bar/convenience stores) downstairs. The pig stopped squealing after they slaughtered it, which made me happy and sad. Happy the thing stopped making noise, sad because I had just lost a friend. That pig greeted me earlier in the day when I arrived at the bank, so he was my friend.

I also enjoy the villages very much because I get to ride on motorcycles (with a helmet of course, it is PC policy and it is safer than not using one). I went to visit my friend Allen (yes he has the same name as me. He is the one that says “its funny cause it’s true” way too much). Allen lives in a village that is way up on this mountain and you have to take a 30-minute moto taxi ride to get there through beautiful countryside and over muddy dangerous roads. The funny part (funny to you, normal in Cameroon) was that there were three of us on the motorcycle. I was sandwiched between Allen and the taxi driver. This was the order of our seating arrangement:

Moto taxi driver ---- Allen B ---- Allen K

Please don’t laugh at me. It was very uncomfortable, but in Cameroon you do with what you have. We had one motorcycle.

The elections here are scheduled for Monday. I met someone who said he was able to register to vote in two cities. THAT’S DEMOCRACY BABY! One man, two votes. This should be interesting, I will let you know what happens. I love elections in Cameroon because I get the day off and they are SOOO democratic.

bush vs KERRY continues tonight. The debate airs at 2am on VOA (Voice of America, a short wave radio station). I will attempt to stay awake until then. I wonder if Kerry will give a “shout out” to his friend in Cameroon.

Okay, on a more serious note: Let me tell you about the The Peace Corps Gossip Network.

This is truly a sad sad reality in the Peace Corps. In this day in age of CELL PHONES and EMAIL, information really flies. This is even true in Cameroon where cell phones are a lot more prevalent than clean water and fair elections.

A side comment: people answer cell phones here anytime, anywhere, like today, one of my Cameroonian coworkers who was running a meeting of 30 people answered his phone AS he was talking to everyone, without moving from his seat or saying anything, and this is normal here, I CANT WAIT to get a phone call while I am giving some important speech or something.

So as I was saying, everyone has a cell phone, including every volunteer. Many volunteers LOVE to spend all their time writing “SMS” messages on their phones to other volunteers. They LOVE to chat with people who aren’t in the present place at the present time. So they text each other every “interesting” detail of everybody’s life. It is like the telephone game, in fact it is a telephone game. Information often gets DISTORTED and people think you have done things which you HAVE NOT done, or that you are thinking things which you DO NOT think. I do not enjoy gossip, it has invaded Peace Corps Cameroon, and quite frankly I do not enjoy it. I don’t talk about your business, so please stay out of mine. The Peace Corps Gossip Network is sooo powerful, that people in the States get information about me without ever hearing it from me. This happened with a former volunteer who emailed me that she had heard that I did this and that and that I was thinking about going here and there. All of this is false false false. Don’t believe information unless it comes from the source.

Okay to sum things up:
-The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon is a wonderful book and I read it in one day.
- I live on a HEAPING STINKING DIRTY PILE OF S**T that is starting to grow on me.
- Guinness Foreign Extra is bigger, stronger, and colder than the stuff you get.
-VlLLAGES are NICE
-Pigs die, even the ones that you are friends with.
-I rode on a motorcycle sandwiched between two men and I did not like it one bit but I didn’t have a choice.
-This place is SOOOOO democratic it makes me sick. On Monday somebody will vote twice.
-The Peace Corps Gossip Network is a tragedy, and you mustn’t believe SECONDHAND information.

I guess that does it. Oh yeah, one more thing, I hope I am not offending any Cameroonians who may be reading this. I love this culture, I am just trying to point out some comical facts to my CRAZY American friends. And most of them don’t like Bush, so they’re cool.

This concludes my blog entry for tonight. I hope it was long and not boring.

The next morning:
Before I head to the Cyber Café to post this thing, I figured I would update you on all the crazy things that happened to me between the times I finished writing last night and right now.

After I signed off last night I ate some leftover spaghetti. It wasn’t your typical leftover spaghetti because I did not heat it in the microwave because that sort of machine does not exist here. I have become an expert spaghetti sauce chef and if you ever visit me I will knock your socks off with my cooking.

After the spaghetti I drank the rest of the beer, which I described to you last night.

Then I stayed up and continued reading Catch-22, but the story was starting to drag and my ADD kicked in and I just couldn’t focus.

It was 11pm when I grabbed the short wave radio and attempted to locate the frequency for VOA, which would be broadcasting the presidential debate. Unfortunately, after 90 minutes of searching the airwaves I was unsuccessful. I did locate about 20 CHINESE stations, though. There are only about 2 Chinese people in all of AFRICA, why must they be treated to 20 Chinese stations when I cant even get ONE American station? Huh?

I guess none of that mattered because I fell asleep on the couch soon after my failed attempt, a sleep which was inevitable and which would have caused me to miss the debates I was so excited to listen to.

During the night I dreamed of horses and wild flowers.

I woke up this morning and I walked to the market in the rain, where I purchased:
1 Watermelon – 500 Francs (about 1 dollar). The Watermelon is very sweet and delicious here. That brings me to a story that is “funny cause it’s true.” During training, one of my fellow trainees was asked by his family what he wanted to eat for dinner. He replied “fried chicken and Watermelon,” because the fried chicken and the watermelon here are excellent. His host mother’s response was, “white people sure love fried chicken and watermelon!” Gotta love it.
I also purchased:
4 medium sized onions – 150 francs (about 20 cents).
5 large potatoes – 100 francs (17 cents).
1 tube of Colgate Fluoride toothpaste – 700 francs (about 1 dollar 25 cents). Which brings me to another story. My best buddy Blake James Nolan wrote a funny little piece in HIS blog about brushing his teeth in London, and how he misses his SONICARE ELITE toothbrush, which truly is the GREATEST thing to happen to dental care since Charles D. Floss invented the toothpick. Anyway, like Blake, I miss my Sonicare sooooo much, I am going to have it shipped to me by my lovely family in Colorado as soon as they send me another package. I had completely forgotten how to brush my teeth the OLD FASHIONED way. I think over time, my tooth brushing muscles in my hand started to deteriorate because I no longer had use for them thanks to my SONICARE ELITE.
Anyway, back to this story.
I took all my purchases home and I cooked:
Fried potatoes with onions.
3 scrambled eggs.
and I ate them, then I brushed my teeth the OLD FASHOINED WAY.
You are thinking, “that’s not so crazy?” Well wait till you hear this:
I ate fried potatoes with onions and 3 scrambled eggs for the 12th CONSECUTIVE MORNING! and I STILL ENJOY it. That is why I had to write this morning, to tell you about the breakfast I LOVE to eat.

Good day to you.

Elections and what have you

Today is Sunday. Another week has passed, hard to believe it. The time is starting to accelerate here. It’s October already. Normally, I would know it is October because I would see it and feel it. Leaves turning colors, hints of winter in the cool air. You don’t get those hints in the tropics. In Cameroon there are only two seasons, rainy and dry. It is still rainy season now, another month of it remains. Then 6 months of dry season. It gets hot and dusty during the dry season, or so they say.

Last week was probably my most successful yet since I arrived in Bafoussam. I did quite a bit of traveling to the village banks in the region to help them fill out an excel report. It turned out to be a lesson in computers for most of them. One of the banks is still learning how to turn the computer on, and hold the mouse still when they click. I never thought it could be such a challenge to hold the mouse in one place. When they click, they freak out and throw the darn thing across the table. “Relax,” I say, and everyone laughs. It is quite funny. I came to realize that the people in the villages really want to learn computers and they have nobody to teach them. I am going to start traveling to different places each week and giving them computer lessons. I have also started working, with my Cameroonian coworker, on a village computer school project. The idea is to start computer schools in the remote villages that don’t otherwise get the opportunity to learn this valuable tool. The kids there can’t afford to come into the city for training, but they really want it. We are going to start with one village as sort of a pilot, and if it works we will start more in other villages. The first challenge is getting computers. I know there are NGO’s and Corporations out there that donate computers for good causes such as this. If you know of anything, I welcome your input.

I forgot to mention in my previous entry that I shaved my head completely down to ¼”. That is very short. I also do push-ups every day. What is this, the army? Sometimes I wonder myself. The Peace Corps isn’t all tree hugging long hared hippies like some may imagine it to be. I would hug trees myself, except there aren’t any trees to hug in this concrete jungle I live in. Plus, all the Cameroonian men keep their hair very short, I’m just trying to blend in. I’m still missing something though, because I still look a little different than them, I just can’t put my finger on it…Pat also shaved his head, people honestly think we are twins, hilarious, they often think I’m him, he’s me, who’s who?

I finished reading two books in one week. Pretty impressive for me, considering I was illiterate just one year ago. I am starting to read Catcher in the Rye. What a funny book! I’m sort of gonna finish it today. I sort of like it a little too. At this rate I am going to run out of material fast and I will have to resort to the 1-year-old sports illustrated magazines that have been left in this apartment. Speaking of sports, I really really miss baseball, go Dodgers, they clinched the West!

In case I haven’t told you or you didn’t read it through someone else’s blog, there was a pretty bad accident involving 14 volunteers in Cameroon about 2 weeks ago. They were all riding in the back of an empty Guinness beer truck that was going way too fast and rolled over. Many of them were ejected from the truck and injured quite badly. Luckily, there were no fatalities, I spoke to one of my friends who broke her collarbone, and she said they are all very lucky to be alive. It was pretty shocking news considering many of those involved were friends of mine, some of them were from my training group. One girl was knocked into a coma and had to have emergency brain surgery, I don’t know her status as of now, but she was in critical condition last week. Another friend’s leg was crushed by the truck and he won’t be back to Cameroon. That sucks. I guess he is in good spirits though. There were also collarbones and ribs broken by other people. Many of them were transported to South Africa and Washington D.C. where they can receive better treatment. I think most everyone should be just fine and back to Cameroon soon enough. My thoughts are with them.

On a brighter note, it stopped raining outside which means I can go out and do stuff. I am typing this blog entry on Pat’s computer, which arrived here last week with the new group of trainees. My computer was supposed to arrive with this same group but I have not yet heard anything about it. It must be there somewhere, and I will have it soon enough.

Many of you have requested more pictures. I have been pretty lazy with the camera, I apologize. The main problem is that the camera attracts so much attention, as if I don’t get enough already. But I don’t care anymore. I have decided to go on a mission. I am going to walk around this town for an afternoon with camera in hand and I am going to take every interesting picture I can take, and believe me, there are many. I hope you don’t mind nudity because you may get it. If one of the crazy naked guys happens to be out that day, I’m gonna have to get a pic, I’ll try to blur out the stuff you don’t want to see.

Oh yeah, it is election season in Cameroon as well. The elections here take place in about 8 or 9 days. It should be interesting. They haven’t been very “democratic” in the past, but apparently things will be different this year. The current president has been in power since 1980 and he has frequently been accused of changing the constitution and rigging elections in order to keep himself in office. You would think that this sort of behavior would really anger people, but most of them don’t really seem to care. The way they see it, Cameroon has been one of the most stable, prosperous countries in West Africa since he was elected, why mess with a good thing? Stability is all they can really hope for in this part of the world, I can’t blame them for having this kind of attitude.

The main political differences lie between the Anglophone regions of the country and the Francophone regions. In case you didn’t know, Cameroon has two official languages, French and English. There are 2 provinces in which the people speak English primarily since the British originally colonized them. The other 8 provinces consist of mainly French speakers. The current president is a francophone. Many of the anglos don’t like him, they feel that they are neglected, and many of them want independence. That is where most of the opposition stems from in this country. If anything interesting happens during these elections it will happen in the Anglophone provinces, meaning the North West or the South West Province. Stay tuned for details.

I still haven’t received my absentee ballot for the U.S.A, so it appears as though I won’t be voting this year. That sort of hurts. It seems as though it has been a pretty interesting battle out there. I’ll have to admit, I think both candidates are worthless, but I still want to pick my poison. How did the first debate turn out? Any clear winner? It must have been fun to watch those two clowns go at it! I wonder which puppet will win. In Cameroon, most people want Kerry to win. But there are a surprising number of Bush supporters. There are people here who know more about the American elections than their own. I even listen to French news radio, it’s crazy how much the U.S. elections dominate the headlines. It really shows how much of an influence we are in the world. You sort of forget how much of an influence we are when you are lost somewhere in the middle of the giant machine. And believe me, it really is a GIANT machine, you should come over here and get a good view of it sometime.
I am going to run for president when I get back. My campaign starts now.
Until Next time...