The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime

Good evening ladies and gents,

It is a lovely evening and I happen to be in the mood to write for a little while. Welcome back to the Armpit of Cameroon in the Armpit of Africa, a place that is beginning to grow on me, kind of like a dirty fungus, but it is growing on me nonetheless. Pat (my roommate) and I, comically refer to this place as a HEAPING STINKING DIRTY PILE OF S**T. (I put the * for all you kids and grandparents out there). As one of my friends here says all too often “It’s funny cause its true.” Please don’t ever say that to me, my friend who says it, says it way too much. But I can’t blame him because a lot of things in this country are “funny cause they’re true.”

The title of this blog entry has nothing to do with anything that has actually happened. It is the title of a book I just finished reading and it happened to be on my mind when I had to write the title of this blog entry. The book title is great, and the book is even better. Check out these reviews:

“ ’The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time’ by Mark Haddon is an excellent read. Dark, funny, sad, and uplifting, this book will keep you laughing, crying, and entertained for hours.”
-Allen Banick, Peace Corps Volunteer

“I was illiterate just a year ago, and I managed to finish all 226 pages in one day, that’s how good this book is, and easy to read too.”

-Allen Banick, Reader of books since August 5th 2003

This book is written through the eyes of an autistic teenager, one of the really intelligent ones, like Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man. It is great, and there are math problems to do in it too. Blake James Nolan if you are reading this, read that too.

Ok, enough about the book. I started reading Catch-22 this morning. It is funny as well.

It’s been a long week. I am enjoying a giant cold bottle of Guinness Foreign Extra. They call it “Foreign Extra” because it really is “Foreign” and it has all kinds of “Extra”. It is “Foreign” because they only make it and sell it in AFRICA which is foreign to the country where Guinness originally appeared back in 1759, a country we all know as IRELAND. It is “extra” because the alcoholic content of this particular brew is 7.5%, which happens to be about 2% greater than your typical NON “Foreign Extra” bottle of Guinness for little babies that you find in THE REST OF THE WORLD.

I am sitting at the oak table in my apartment, which can easily accommodate 10 people, but there are only two people sitting here right now. Myself, obviously, and my roommate Pat who is listening to music and doing crossword puzzles, oh never mind, he is writing in his journal. He’s probably writing:

I am sitting at the oak table in my apartment, which can easily accommodate 10 people, but there are only two people sitting here right now. Myself, obviously, and my roommate Allen who is listening to music and using my computer, I wish he wouldn’t use my computer so much. He’s probably writing:

I am sitting at the oak table in my apartment, which can easily accommodate 10 people, but there are only two people sitting here right now. Myself, obviously, and my roommate Pat who is listening to music and doing crossword puzzles, oh never mind, he is writing in his journal. He’s probably writing:

This is called a loop, and if it weren’t for me intervening, it would have gone on forever and ever and it would have clogged up the entire blogosphere (you like my use of “blogosphere” Mike?)

I realize that none of this nonsense has anything to do with Cameroon or Peace Corps YET, but just follow me through this, you will understand later…

So as I was saying, I am sitting here listening to Dizzy Rascal writing this blog when all of a sudden I think “Wow, I am writing in the present obvious.” The present obvious is a very interesting Cameroonian phenomenon that I am going to tell you about now.

In Cameroon, as in most every place in the world, I presume, people make small talk. In the States it is often sounds like this:

Two strangers are caught in an awkward moment together, suddenly, in an effort to make it less awkward, Bob decides to make small talk.
“Howdy,” says Bob
“Hey, how’s it going?” replies Sally
“I’m fine,” Bob pauses for a second, struggling to keep the awkwardness away, “how about this heat wave?” Nice one Bob, you really came through this time.
“I knooow. It is sooo hot. I can’t remember it ever being this hot in Colorado, and I’ve been here for like 3 years!”
“Me neeeither, wow! Okay, have a nice one”
“you too, and try to keep cool.” replies Sally as the two strangers continue on their paths that will probably never cross again.

In Cameroon, the weather rarely changes, it is either wet or dry, so that particular topic makes for some pretty boring small talk. In Cameroon the small talk is done in what has been termed the present obvious. It goes something like this: (I have underlined the present obvious)

“Good morning,” says Jean Phillipe Simo Kamga (People in Cameroon have excruciatingly long names.)
“Good morning, you are here?” asks Marie Claire Fotso Kamdem, who is standing directly in front of Jean Phillipe Simo Kamga, and who isn’t blind, and who can see that Jean Phillipe Simo Kamga really is there. (This is where we get the term present obvious. Marie is asking about a present situation that is obviously true.)
“Yes, I am here” he replies, “did you sleep well?” (Another common question, especially in the morning.)
“No, I didn’t.” Another common answer. People here ALWAYS answer small talk questions with the truth, which makes it better small talk than most small talk in the States, because in the States the answer is always “I’m fine” because if you were to respond to a complete stranger “No, I feel terrible,” the stranger would probably not want to talk to you because it is weird when a complete stranger tells you that something is wrong, but not in Cameroon, and that is one of the reasons this place is starting to grow on me.

That is the lesson on cultural differences between where I am and where most of you are.

I did a lot of traveling this week. I went around to several VILLAGES in the area to visit the small banks and to teach them how to use the COMPUTER and how to keep the mouse still when you click and how to shut down the computer properly. I really enjoy these village excursions. The people are so friendly and hospitable, and the scenery is nice. It is a great relief from this HEAPING STINKING DIRTY PILE OF S**T of a city I live in. The bank I went to in a village called BAFOU was particularly peaceful and relaxing until I heard a pig squealing in the bar/convenience store (all businesses in villages are bar/convenience stores) downstairs. The pig stopped squealing after they slaughtered it, which made me happy and sad. Happy the thing stopped making noise, sad because I had just lost a friend. That pig greeted me earlier in the day when I arrived at the bank, so he was my friend.

I also enjoy the villages very much because I get to ride on motorcycles (with a helmet of course, it is PC policy and it is safer than not using one). I went to visit my friend Allen (yes he has the same name as me. He is the one that says “its funny cause it’s true” way too much). Allen lives in a village that is way up on this mountain and you have to take a 30-minute moto taxi ride to get there through beautiful countryside and over muddy dangerous roads. The funny part (funny to you, normal in Cameroon) was that there were three of us on the motorcycle. I was sandwiched between Allen and the taxi driver. This was the order of our seating arrangement:

Moto taxi driver ---- Allen B ---- Allen K

Please don’t laugh at me. It was very uncomfortable, but in Cameroon you do with what you have. We had one motorcycle.

The elections here are scheduled for Monday. I met someone who said he was able to register to vote in two cities. THAT’S DEMOCRACY BABY! One man, two votes. This should be interesting, I will let you know what happens. I love elections in Cameroon because I get the day off and they are SOOO democratic.

bush vs KERRY continues tonight. The debate airs at 2am on VOA (Voice of America, a short wave radio station). I will attempt to stay awake until then. I wonder if Kerry will give a “shout out” to his friend in Cameroon.

Okay, on a more serious note: Let me tell you about the The Peace Corps Gossip Network.

This is truly a sad sad reality in the Peace Corps. In this day in age of CELL PHONES and EMAIL, information really flies. This is even true in Cameroon where cell phones are a lot more prevalent than clean water and fair elections.

A side comment: people answer cell phones here anytime, anywhere, like today, one of my Cameroonian coworkers who was running a meeting of 30 people answered his phone AS he was talking to everyone, without moving from his seat or saying anything, and this is normal here, I CANT WAIT to get a phone call while I am giving some important speech or something.

So as I was saying, everyone has a cell phone, including every volunteer. Many volunteers LOVE to spend all their time writing “SMS” messages on their phones to other volunteers. They LOVE to chat with people who aren’t in the present place at the present time. So they text each other every “interesting” detail of everybody’s life. It is like the telephone game, in fact it is a telephone game. Information often gets DISTORTED and people think you have done things which you HAVE NOT done, or that you are thinking things which you DO NOT think. I do not enjoy gossip, it has invaded Peace Corps Cameroon, and quite frankly I do not enjoy it. I don’t talk about your business, so please stay out of mine. The Peace Corps Gossip Network is sooo powerful, that people in the States get information about me without ever hearing it from me. This happened with a former volunteer who emailed me that she had heard that I did this and that and that I was thinking about going here and there. All of this is false false false. Don’t believe information unless it comes from the source.

Okay to sum things up:
-The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon is a wonderful book and I read it in one day.
- I live on a HEAPING STINKING DIRTY PILE OF S**T that is starting to grow on me.
- Guinness Foreign Extra is bigger, stronger, and colder than the stuff you get.
-VlLLAGES are NICE
-Pigs die, even the ones that you are friends with.
-I rode on a motorcycle sandwiched between two men and I did not like it one bit but I didn’t have a choice.
-This place is SOOOOO democratic it makes me sick. On Monday somebody will vote twice.
-The Peace Corps Gossip Network is a tragedy, and you mustn’t believe SECONDHAND information.

I guess that does it. Oh yeah, one more thing, I hope I am not offending any Cameroonians who may be reading this. I love this culture, I am just trying to point out some comical facts to my CRAZY American friends. And most of them don’t like Bush, so they’re cool.

This concludes my blog entry for tonight. I hope it was long and not boring.

The next morning:
Before I head to the Cyber Café to post this thing, I figured I would update you on all the crazy things that happened to me between the times I finished writing last night and right now.

After I signed off last night I ate some leftover spaghetti. It wasn’t your typical leftover spaghetti because I did not heat it in the microwave because that sort of machine does not exist here. I have become an expert spaghetti sauce chef and if you ever visit me I will knock your socks off with my cooking.

After the spaghetti I drank the rest of the beer, which I described to you last night.

Then I stayed up and continued reading Catch-22, but the story was starting to drag and my ADD kicked in and I just couldn’t focus.

It was 11pm when I grabbed the short wave radio and attempted to locate the frequency for VOA, which would be broadcasting the presidential debate. Unfortunately, after 90 minutes of searching the airwaves I was unsuccessful. I did locate about 20 CHINESE stations, though. There are only about 2 Chinese people in all of AFRICA, why must they be treated to 20 Chinese stations when I cant even get ONE American station? Huh?

I guess none of that mattered because I fell asleep on the couch soon after my failed attempt, a sleep which was inevitable and which would have caused me to miss the debates I was so excited to listen to.

During the night I dreamed of horses and wild flowers.

I woke up this morning and I walked to the market in the rain, where I purchased:
1 Watermelon – 500 Francs (about 1 dollar). The Watermelon is very sweet and delicious here. That brings me to a story that is “funny cause it’s true.” During training, one of my fellow trainees was asked by his family what he wanted to eat for dinner. He replied “fried chicken and Watermelon,” because the fried chicken and the watermelon here are excellent. His host mother’s response was, “white people sure love fried chicken and watermelon!” Gotta love it.
I also purchased:
4 medium sized onions – 150 francs (about 20 cents).
5 large potatoes – 100 francs (17 cents).
1 tube of Colgate Fluoride toothpaste – 700 francs (about 1 dollar 25 cents). Which brings me to another story. My best buddy Blake James Nolan wrote a funny little piece in HIS blog about brushing his teeth in London, and how he misses his SONICARE ELITE toothbrush, which truly is the GREATEST thing to happen to dental care since Charles D. Floss invented the toothpick. Anyway, like Blake, I miss my Sonicare sooooo much, I am going to have it shipped to me by my lovely family in Colorado as soon as they send me another package. I had completely forgotten how to brush my teeth the OLD FASHIONED way. I think over time, my tooth brushing muscles in my hand started to deteriorate because I no longer had use for them thanks to my SONICARE ELITE.
Anyway, back to this story.
I took all my purchases home and I cooked:
Fried potatoes with onions.
3 scrambled eggs.
and I ate them, then I brushed my teeth the OLD FASHOINED WAY.
You are thinking, “that’s not so crazy?” Well wait till you hear this:
I ate fried potatoes with onions and 3 scrambled eggs for the 12th CONSECUTIVE MORNING! and I STILL ENJOY it. That is why I had to write this morning, to tell you about the breakfast I LOVE to eat.

Good day to you.